Goodbye, my love
by Foreverfirstloves
Summary: I'm not going to cut aimless lines...my body will forever hold the essence of my life. His name, carved into my skin, his name, the last thing I see in this life.


**It was late when I wrote this...thats all I'm saying! I was very angry about the Bade breakup during "The Worst Couple" and decided to write a darkfic of Jade's suicide, not that she actually killed herself: this is nickelodeon after all. **

**Disclaimer: I owned Victorious...then I woke up :/**

To whom it may concern,

Wow, first it must be said that it kills me(ha) to begin this note with such, but considering I have no idea who it concerns to, it seemed appropriate, even if its also horribly cliche. Now to the purpose. These are things I have considered for a while...nothing was just spare of the moment, oh my god lets just go off the deep end type thing. I dont have any clinical problems, nor do I need pyschiatric help, contrary to the beliefs of others. It's just...well, my life I suppose. Parents split when I was ten, my little brother, barely two. Of course we were fed the usual lies of how it would be better now and how we were going to benefit so much from this. Ha, yeah...thanks Mom and Dad, Mom for completely emotionally losing it, forcing me to care for my brother until, finally you decided to care. About him at least. And Dad, for being the dream smashing workaholic you are. It really did us good! This lasted up until I reached fourteen, Mom talked Dad into paying for me to go to Hollywood Arts. Admittedly these were the best years of my life. It's where I met my best friend Cat Valentine, Andre Harris, and him...Beck Oliver. He had this persistance about him. Shocked, I'm sure, that I failed to fawn over him like all the other hormone infused, overlyinfatuated girls, Beck took interest in me. He attempted to ask me on a few dates. Each request answered with coffee on his precious hair, or a stomp on his toe, even once a death threat. But he was persistant and eventually I gave in. I didn't realize until the first date that this was probably the best and worst decision I'd ever make. He took me to a Coffee House, then out to see the new Horror flick, after presenting me with a dead rose. Thanks to this, I agreed to go out with him again. A few months of dating he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said no a lot at first. I didn't want us to have a label, because labels can be taken away. I guess you could say I was very distrusting(thanks again mom and dad). But this was Beck, he eventually convinced me to try it. This I'd say, is where this little game of our started. We could never quite manage to outdo the other. He couldn't make me be his, and I could make myself deny him. The night he told me he loved me was the first night he saw me cry. I didn't want to love him. I didn't want to put my heart out there for him to break later on. But I couldn't stop myself. Two wonderful years together. We got into a routine, something would make me angry, we would fight, apologize later, make up after. He would by me coffee, or make it on the mornings following the nights I stayed at his RV. And each morning after our sleepovers, I'd dedicate at least twenty minutes to cleaning the thing, given that most of it was my mess. We would go to school, sometimes together, sometimes not, and we would spend all day together. Sometimes girls looked at him and I snapped, but he always managed to assure me of his love. Then Tori Vega enrolled at Hollywood Arts. She's funny and perky, and always happy go lucky. It was gross. But it got Becks attention. I was threatened by her, and in return made extra sure that she knew who she was dealing with. But unfortunate for me, the girl had to go and make herself friends with our entire "group", after, might I add, kissing MY Beck on her second day of school. But we overcame this obstacle. And not that I think Tori and I could ever be besties,but she did manage to help Beck and I get back together once, so I suppose she isn't all bad. And eventually things settled into the same routine as always...only now I had a person to inflict suffering upon. Then things began getting worse. The fights got a bit longer and he just wasn't as into the trying part as usual. This scared me even more. I pushed for our normality, and tried to force us back to that bitter, yet passionate life we had wrapped around ourselves. Our love and anger and life, just thriving from the essence of it all. But it didn't work this time. I walked outside, I thought he'd come after me...but this time, he didn't. I guess he got tired of chasing me. All those nights together, all those fights, and make up sessions, all the I love you's, and holding me after an arguement with my parents,all of that time...they meant nothing now. Almost three years, washed away in a single night. All of it, leading to this note. You see, I fell, hard. I made Beck my very life. I did everything I swore to myself that I wouldn't and it doesn't even matter, because in the end, it wasn't enough. I lost him, and everything ended. About 5 months after Beck and I started dating, he found out I cut. He didn't like it, to say the least, and begged me to stop. And for the longest time I did. With him I had no reason too, but the idea was still there. Using my scissors to cut deep enough one day to end my life in a crimson flow. Just watching the blood run tempted me, but I promised Beck I'd stop. I slowly stopped thinking of suicide. Life was worth living if Beck was apart of it. But then he broke his promise. He said he'd always love me. He said he'd never leave. He lied. So is it so bad for me to break my promise to him now? I think not. So this is a final testement to my life. By the time it's read, I should be all bled out. The scissors are right here in my hands. I can do this, one last time, only this time, I'm not going to cut aimless lines...my body will forever hold the essence of my life. His name, carved into my skin, his name, the last thing I see in this life. It's the closest to happiness I can get now. I have it all ready. I'm sitting here in his RV, for the last time. He is out, who knows where? But I kicked in the door. I want it to happen here. In this little moving house that was more of a home to me then any other place. I want to die surrounded by his smell, his everything. I'm just about through with this last piece of the puzzle, almost time to get to work. I will call him once I am done...I'll be dying soon, so does it matter if I lose my dignity in begging him to come home, so I can see him one last time? Hear his voice once more, or at least just stare into his eyes as I take my final breath? I can last long enough for that. I will...Well enough with the words and time for the actions. In closing, Cat: Thanks for always being a friend and cheering me up. Andre: You're gonna make something of yourself one day. You have amazing talent. Take care of Cat. Robbie: Get rid of Rex, Kay? seriously, your life will be better...and ask Cat out finally please? I know she feels the same! Tori: Well, Vega...we've had our run, but in all honesty, I envy you. Do something with your life. And make sure Beck's okay after this. He's strong, but just in case. And I wouldn't mind if anything happend with you two down the road. After me, you're probably the only person good enough to deserve him. Just make sure he's happy no matter what. And Beck: Babe, I love you more than anything in the world, more than life itself...I don't blame you for this...so don't blame yourself. Be happy, love. Go somewhere with your talent and dont let anyone tell you that you aren't good enough. Reach every dream you've always had. Move on, but please remember me. Thats all I ask. Just know that those years with you were the reason for my existance. You gave me peace during chaos. You proved to me that love can exist, that it is real and precious and should not be taken for grantite. I'm sorry for anyway I have ever hurt you. Just know I love you, forever. Goodbye.

- Jade West


End file.
